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make my pen the knife and write your words across my throat

c a n d e s c e n t l i n e s .

DEF she says no

if i could tell you how i feel

i would lie

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March 18th, 2010

I tattooed your number on the back of my wrist,
In case of emergency.
It's a reminder to breathe because I forget when I hear you speak.

November 17th, 2009

Whipped Cream

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DEF she says no
Lavender milkshake arms.
Caramel toffee pin-prick kiss.
A spiked dessert.
Overdose. Comatose.
Wake up in a hospital missing your tastebuds and sensibility.

Post from mobile portal m.livejournal.com

May 11th, 2009

We're the dreamers with insomnia.
Writers block in the form of cliches.
Climbing down treehouses to fall asleep.
Sometimes I think we're an accident-
But only if we were meant to turn out this way;
Stars that glow electric vs. Solar powered hearts.
I'm in the spotlight with my eyes squeezed shut.
Darling, you glow-in-the-dark.
Redial. Hollywood is on the other line.
Keep me on speed dial.
You can't 'fake it til you make it'
If you already have.

+

Happy belated birthday, baby.

March 8th, 2009

Trompe L'oeil

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DEF she says no
I've got swollen lips and itching teeth,
We're so undeniably thirsty, honey.
But this desperation's getting old.
I need a new heart,
One that beats faster on will.
Make me sweat.
I beg you.
Grow me a sense of humor and shoulders that shrug.
Summer hair in the park in Autumn,
Unfocused blue eyes and the secondhand taste of Red Bull.
Can we sprawl in the grass and soak up the romance?
It's all in my head.
And yours.
You're not the answer, you're an option.
I'm a dance until the record in your head stops spinning.
Now I'm a song on your iPod to skipskipskip.
A single-player game; a race against dignity.
Drop out and forfeit.
Boys win by default.
I'll be in the back (of you head).
Bookmark my name in your dictionary.
Don't forget to call.

*

We overcomplicate things by overthinking. And when we don't, we fuck up. We're a mess, the two of us.

February 18th, 2009

They told me to slow down so I bought a pair of cement shoes.
Now I'm broke in every way, but at least this way I won't miss you.
Don't start with me if you don't know how to call it quits.
Apologies aren't exits.
Smiles aren't parachutes.
Everyday feels like yesterday when you're not around to remind me to move.
I'm in the way of getting my way.
Because it's only my fault when I'm not around.
"Get out of my head and into my bed."
Words don't get us anywhere,
We were heading nowhere to begin with.
I'm sick on a carousel
But I don't want to stop spinning.
I'm captive in inverted dreams
But I don't want to wake up.
I'm mindless to the question
But I don't want to be caught.
I'm inches from the surface.
But I don't want you to drown.
I'm unfathomably in love and I don't want to hate you.
"Don't change out of your skin" because time will shrink the washing and I won't know what to say, again.

November 1st, 2008

Always and Unchanging

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DEF she says no
Blur the outlines
Sand down edges
Pour plaster into the gaping holes
That keep getting wider, deeper, steeper
The inside of outsiders
Fill the cracks with cotton
Or whatever you keep in your pillow
Fill the void
Fill the void
The empty space where you should be
"So be there."
The foundation for my house of sanity
Don't let my lungs collapse on my heart

Questions and answers,
The same questions - the same answers
Replies are apologies
Or awkward avoidance.
Steady streams of uneasy silence.
Metronome answers, thick and muffled like thuds on carpet,
They're fleeting footsteps on sand.
Tongue-tips flicking on roofs,
(On loop)
Of mouths that won't open for me.
Plier teeth and pliant lips.
The feedback in sync,
Down the sink.
A chorus played in all the wrong notes;
Confessions are mistakes.
It's the distance between us.
Your eyes chasing mine,
For a moment.
"Don't catch on."
I play catch up.
Crash/collide

Masochistic addict of fractures
Opening letters and finding the same letters
On every single fucking page.
Identical envelopes.
Identical signs -
Just different postcodes.
They hate the word 'always' and the idea of.
Always and unchanging.
No or sorry
Junk mail or empty letterboxes
So leave me hanging
On the same hook

The future is bleak and with nothing else
But to wait for tomorrow to come
Again and again and again

October 26th, 2008

The Not-Post

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DEF she says no
"There's an awkward moment after your full-stop, when you can't quite meet wide eyes. The silence is stretched thin until her apology hits you, weighing more than it should. You shouldn't have, but you did and all you can do is feel your heart sink. Drowning in what was inevitable."

+

Exams finish November 6th.
Posts will be more frequent.
Wait for me...

October 14th, 2008

The Willing

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DEF she says no
I keep seeing your corpse in nightmares,
Feeding on my insides,
Bury worse into the dirt.
If you surrendered it'd be with fangs bared.
Unhinged until -
"Are you scared yet?"
Hiding in the cracks in voices.
We're caught between goodnight and goodbye.
Still piercing hearts,
Torn sinking guts,
Blinked at choices
And shaken with the way your eyes flash.
You claw out of my skull into the real world,
Leaving footprints on my skin.

October 10th, 2008

Rest in Peace, Susan.

October 3rd, 2008

Thud

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DEF she says no
Fell in love, threw up in my mouth (just a little).
Find soup attached in fanmail.
Stalked your best friends, keep their pets in the fridge.
Hear me listen to you breathe at night.
Know less/all about you.
Think I'm your bloodtype, let's swap veins
Disconnect hearts,
Staple hands,
Sleep with axes.
Replaced my heart with balloons,
Keep your lungs in my pocket.
Wait for heads to explode.

September 3rd, 2008

Don't Rain on My Parade

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DEF she says no
Miss Tragedy blows a kiss,
Curls a finger
Into herself.
Oh. Oh. Oh. Because it feels good, temporary, on the inside.
She flings regret into the wind as she jumps again.
We've all seen this show before.
Spotted costume on the floor.
It's a circus on the mattress and she's waiting for the audience,
To applaud every move theatrical.
"What does it matter." She should know.
A dance of moving bodies and supposed promises;
The performance splatters but the stares remain fixated.
Head on his chest,
Listening for secrets,
Or a heart to beat her name.
It's all part of the act, or so the eyes are led to believe.
In the breathing she can,
In the silence she can,
Make mistakes -
And dramatically, take her worth away.

August 9th, 2008

Outcome of Fates, Binary

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DEF she says no
I want to create something I can't tear my eyes away from
Then tear it apart.
Watch if I tear.
Like an envelope written in arteries,
And The Girl Who Still Says No.
Standing with The Boy Who Takes it Back.
"Liked it, if maybe, you could just -"
Make me fall in love
And fall back.
We'll hit our heads together and flinch.
Then kiss. Or whatever it is they do.
Or don't.
Pessimism is for the wannabes.
Most of us are just kind of frustrated.
In the way that I want my clothes on your carpet,
Hair in your neck,
Ear against your ribcage.
Listening to your heart tell me secrets,
Trying to escape.

+

Ten weeks and I can take my life off hiatus ><.

July 29th, 2008

Byline

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DEF she says no
With thoughts like a string,
You have me hanging by a thread,
Like a puppet waiting for repair,
On your every word and breath and
Red and purple tattooes shaped like unravelling knotted taunts.
Our veins tangle up, stagnating every heartbeat.
So I'll call in sick, with my teeth against the intercom,
A tongue against the scissor blade,
Chin against the kitchen chair,
Ready to put an end to this mess.

+

To be honest, they don't feel like my words.
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